Arithmetic
by violets92
Summary: Kate thinks about Tony. Tate of course. PreTwilight. Still kind of sad though 1st in the Arithmetic series.


Ok, so I've written a new songfic. I couldn't resist. It's pre-twilight of course, though I's kind of sad.

Disclaimer: Puh-lease, I will never own NCIS. And I can only dream I owned a song like this.

* * *

_I've been staring at the sky tonight  
Marveling and passing time  
_

Kate was sitting on the rooftop of the NCIS offices. It was her favourite place in the entire world. She had discovered it about two weeks after she started working there. It had been late at night and she was on her dinner break, just like she was now. The rooftop seemed so bleak and dull in the day, but at night it came alive. At the moment, she was lying on the cold, hard cement looking at the stars. This was the inspiration for half her drawings._  
_

_Wondering what to do with daylight  
Until I can make you mine  
You are the one I want, you are the one I want _

Of course, the other half was sketches of her team members. She had one of Gibbs, a couple of Ducky, a few of McGee and Abby and about twenty of Tony. At first, she couldn't figure out why she drew him the most. She had put it down to the fact that they were partners and she spent more time with him than anyone else in the world. Subconsciously, her mind knew it was more than that. It was almost like love. She hadn't admitted to it until now.

_  
I've been thinking of changing my mind  
It never stays the same for long  
But of all the things I know for sure  
You're the only certain one  
You are the one I want, you are the one I want _

Kate never put much certainty into relationships. Friendship, yes, love, no. She had been hurt far too many times to believe in fairytales anymore. Sure, she would like to think her Prince Charming was out there somewhere, but it was irrational. It was foolish to believe that some guy was just going to ride on in on a white horse and sweep her off her feet. It just wasn't going to happen.

She had tried to put these completely ridiculous feelings for Tony behind her. It had happened before. She met a good-looking guy that she worked with once. She had a bit of a thing for him at first. Within a few months, those feelings were gone. However, this _thing _with Tony wouldn't go away. In fact, with time, it the feelings just got deeper.

I've been counting up all my wrongs  
One sorry for each star  
See I'd apologise my way to you  
If the heavens stretched that far  
You are the one I want, you are the one I want

So why, if she was in love with him, did she treat him the way she did? It seemed as if all the teasing, taunting and physical pain was because she didn't want to admit it to herself. Or it could have been because she didn't want to let _him _know. No. It was because deep down, she knew he could never feel the same. And she resented him for it. She hated the fact that he wasn't going through what she was.

But now, all Kate felt was guilt. Why should she hate him for being content and not wanting something he couldn't have? Jealousy was a sin. She should not be feeling it. She should be apologising to him. Especially for that whole Voss thing. That wasn't just crossing the line, that was getting rid of the line altogether.

I won't find what I am looking for  
If I only "see" by keeping score  
'Cause I know now you are so much more than arithmetic

_'Cause if I add, if I subtract  
If I give it all, try to take some back  
I've forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact  
That you are the sum  
So you are the one  
I want  
_

She had tried thinking logically. And Kate had to admit, she had come up with a million reasons why she shouldn't date him. The most prominent one being Rule Number 12. No-one dared to disobey Gibbs' rules. Even if they were the best agents he had. There was no need to even come up with a list in the first place. Rule 12 ruled out any chance of romance. And if she was fired there weren't many job opportunities left. Except for the FBI and she'd be damned if she ever let herself work there.

Anyway, there was no point considering it. She wouldn't get fired because she wasn't going to let Gibbs have an opportunity to fire her. Or Tony. The thing was, making lists and considering different jobs was never going to change the fact that she had feelings for her co-worker. Nothing was going to change that. She still wanted him. 

When the years are showing on my face  
And my strongest days are gone  
When my heart and flesh depart this place  
From a life that sung your song

In fact, she'd probably still want him when she was eighty years old and taking her last breath. Kate laughed bitterly at the thought. God, that sounded sad. She wasn't twelve. She could deal with it. With these feelings. She'd have to. She had no choice. 

You'll still be the one I want

You'll still be the one I want

You'll still be the one I want

You'll still be the one I want


End file.
